Adventures in Widowhood

Ahhh....April 1st is here!

I would say that young widowhood has definitely been an adventure for me.  An adventure that I very unwillingly went on.  I wish I could say I never started out on this adventure, but at times I am glad that I did.  It has showed me so many things about myself that I never thought possible.

How "strong" I am.
How much I can actually do on my own.
How much stress I can actually handle.
How far I can actually be pushed before I break.
How much regret I can actually live with every single day.

It is an adventure being an unexpected single mom.  One day you wake up married with a partner who can help you with getting the kids from place to place, help with homework, go on boys-only scout outings, and by the end of that day you are handling it all by yourself.  I have become a master scheduler.  Between boy scouts, karate, baseball, after school activities, my school, therapy, and attempting to have a social life, it is a wonder I actually have time to sleep.

It is an adventure trying to move forward. Every day I am confronted with the option to move away from my life as someone's partner and go towards forging my own path.  I am doing amazing at school, which was something I never felt supported enough to do.  I am doing amazing in being able to support myself, live on a budget, saving for my someday house, and still have enough to splurge on something every once and a while if I want.  I am doing amazing at going out and meeting new people without the need of a safety net.  When I take a step back and read these words as they are written, I realize that I do really accomplish more than I give myself credit for!

It is an adventure trying not to let the "what ifs" consume me.  What if his nitro would have been readily available?  What if he never would have gotten sick?  What if we would have been together?  What if he would have spent his last day with the kids like he was supposed to?  What if we wouldn't have fought the night before?  What if I would have been more vigilant about making sure he took care of himself the way he was supposed to?  These are the questions that run around freely in my brain all the time, and so far no amount of socializing, therapy, friends or family have been able to make them stop.  As time goes on they have gone from a roar to a whisper, but they are still there.

It is with thoughts like this that I am often reminded of B's favorite quote from Peter Pan:  "To die will be an awfully big adventure."

I hope you are truly having an amazing adventure, love, wherever you are.