Everything now feels like a beginning. There is not a day that goes by that I don't encounter something that I never thought I would have to deal with. Emotions when I hear a piece of music. Tears when I drive past a certain intersection. Even going to his work (where B passed away) to get routine car maintenance performed requires Herculean effort to keep it together. On the positive side, there is getting my son he help he needs by myself without spousal support. Going back to school for the first time in 15 years and maintaining a 4.0 GPA. Realizing who belongs in my life and who doesn't. Learning that it is okay to miss him and still okay to move on with my life. Dealing with my first heartbreak since B passed and living to tell the tale (actually with a better sense of self than I started).
Embracing new beginnings is a scary thing. Starting your life over at 35 years old is a ridiculously scary thing. Starting your life over as a 35 year old single mom with no idea on how to navigate the next 50 years without your life partner is absolutely terrifying. Financial instability, no permanent home, uncertain future; all of these are so frightening that my mind is paralyzed just trying to imagine how I am going to figure that out. These are the times when I wish there was some magic fairy that would just show up and show me that everything is going to be ok. Show me in their magic crystal ball that I am going to get my own house, I'm going to graduate, get a good job, and that my boys are going to be well adjusted adults. That I will find someone who wants to be with me and will love me, warts and all. That all of this happened for a reason. That at some point in my life I will be able to walk into a room and not have someone tell me I look sad.
So, magic fairy, if you're out there.....hit a girl up, 'k?