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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Caution: filter missing

     I've never been once to mince words. Many, many who know me know I am quick of wit and sharp of tongue. I'm seriously thinking about getting a tattoo on my forehead that says "caution: missing filter. Engage in conversation at your own risk". How many of you have ever said you'd rather kill yourself than deal with another snow day? Did people rip you a new one or judge you because you are being offensive to those who have lost someone to suicide? What about being so angry you said you wanted to kill someone? Did the police break down your door and arrest you?

Probably not.

     I don't say things with excessive vitriol. What I will do is be honest. Sometimes brutally so. Not that this is an excuse, but if you don't want to hear my honest answer to a question, don't ask. I find that this is happening a lot more since B died. Yeah, I say died.

Not passed away.
Not in a better place.
Not gone.
Died.

     I've been told that my honesty is a rather jarring concept. Everyone is so PC about death and things that we don't like to confront, even when it is right in our faces. My view is that life is too damn short to not say what you think or feel. You never know when the time you talk to someone will be the last time. I relive my last conversations with B in my head all the time. It never brings me comfort. There are always things I wish I could have said.

I didn't mean it.
I can't wait to see you.
I wish you were here.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

Always be honest. In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss:  "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".




2 comments:

  1. "There are always things I wish I [had] said..." I had the opportunity to say some of them; my husband died of pancreatic cancer...He has an unexpected 30 day hospital stay that saw him go from doing "okay" to coming home to die, which he did the day after he got home. We had originally planned to "really talk" when he got home; we never expected it would happen that fast (due to unforeseen complications), and so my daily mantra now is "why did we wait??" So, so many things I wanted to say. So, so many things I wanted to hear...but HE was the one facing his death, how could I intrude with "MY" needs? We were married just 16 months shy of 50 years...One would think we'd already said it all...but not so, there was much left to be said.

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  2. It does make it so hard. The what ifs drive me batty. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Almost 50 years is an amazing to to have with the love of your life. I wish you could have had many more! I don't think anyone ever says enough and we always wonder...we widdas need to learn to be more gentle with ourselves.

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