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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Uncharted Territory

     I find myself today in a new and interesting place. I'm happy. With no guilt.  Yet, there are still a million reasons why I am running away from good, happy joy-joy feelings. You would think by now I would be past the catastrophic scenarios, but no.  My heart and my head are definitely not communicating well at all lately, and I am reeling as a a result.  A current discussion going on with my emotions right now:

Heart:  He's such a nice guy!
Head:  What if something bad happens?
Heart:  He cares about you so much!
Head:  What if it isn't genuine?
Heart:  He is so amazing with the boys!
Head:  If something bad happens, the boys are going to be devastated!
Heart:  He makes you smile EVERY DAY.
Head:  If he ever hurts you, you are going to end up the crazy cat lady.
Heart:  His words and actions and feelings are something you have not heard/seen/felt in a long time!
Head:  What if it is just to get in your pants and then leave you?
Heart:  He cares about you even after knowing everything you've been through.
Head:  He wants you to forget.
Heart:  It is okay to move forward and be happy!
Head:  What if this means you're a bad widow for not being miserable about your dead husband?
Heart:  It is perfectly normal to want to love again.
Head:  It is perfectly awful to want to love again.

     Slowly, I'm beginning to realize that there is a difference between boundaries to keep people from taking advantage of me, and the fortress walls I have built up around my heart and soul to keep people out and to keep myself from potentially ever loving someone.  I think my reasoning is if I love them and they hurt me, where else do I have to go?  I don't think my fragile heart could take much more breaking.  The bandages holding together the broken pieces are not that strong. I'm not that strong. I don't think you get many great loves in your life, and I think I've already used mine up.

Do I give up?
Do I give in?


  1. I'm so happy I found your blog! I love reading about other widows journeys, to see where and how we are similar and different ... and this post is similar to a situation I am going thru but have yet to post anything on the topic yet ...
    I look forward to reading more!

    1. Thanks for taking the time to check it out!! I like to be as transparent as possible and hope to reach as many people as I can!! Leave a link and I will be sure to check your stuff out as well!