I find myself today in a new and interesting place. I'm happy. With no guilt. Yet, there are still a million reasons why I am running away from good, happy joy-joy feelings. You would think by now I would be past the catastrophic scenarios, but no. My heart and my head are definitely not communicating well at all lately, and I am reeling as a a result. A current discussion going on with my emotions right now:
Heart: He's such a nice guy!
Head: What if something bad happens?
Heart: He cares about you so much!
Head: What if it isn't genuine?
Heart: He is so amazing with the boys!
Head: If something bad happens, the boys are going to be devastated!
Heart: He makes you smile EVERY DAY.
Head: If he ever hurts you, you are going to end up the crazy cat lady.
Heart: His words and actions and feelings are something you have not heard/seen/felt in a long time!
Head: What if it is just to get in your pants and then leave you?
Heart: He cares about you even after knowing everything you've been through.
Head: He wants you to forget.
Heart: It is okay to move forward and be happy!
Head: What if this means you're a bad widow for not being miserable about your dead husband?
Heart: It is perfectly normal to want to love again.
Head: It is perfectly awful to want to love again.
Slowly, I'm beginning to realize that there is a difference between boundaries to keep people from taking advantage of me, and the fortress walls I have built up around my heart and soul to keep people out and to keep myself from potentially ever loving someone. I think my reasoning is if I love them and they hurt me, where else do I have to go? I don't think my fragile heart could take much more breaking. The bandages holding together the broken pieces are not that strong. I'm not that strong. I don't think you get many great loves in your life, and I think I've already used mine up.
Do I give up?
Do I give in?