I know I don't usually do this, but this time of year, I am taking things pretty rough. I've tried to be "strong for the kids", tried to be "over it", tried to embrace the "childlike spirit of Christmas", but damn. This truly bites. Like sucks beyond anything that has come before it. So, to get it all out, I am writing a love letter to my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my partner in crime, my sweetest love so I can tell him all of the things I didn't get to say. But, like an oscar speech, there first are so many people to thank...
First, I would like to thank all of my widow(er) friends I have met along this journey. We may have all arrived on this path at different times but we all go through the same things, feel the same feelings, and are there for each other when we feel like no one understands us. This last year for me has been super tough and I don't think I would have been able to make it without the love and support that you have shown me. Chins up, fellow widdas; we will continue to make it through as long as we remember to take baby steps forward for ourselves and hold the memories of our spouses close to our hearts.
Second, I would like to thank my friends and family for being there for the kids and I as we made it through this incredibly tough year. You have all watched me as I struggled with the crippling loss of B, and steered me in the correct direction when you saw I lost my way. You watched and supported as I became a single mom and found out about D's diagnoses and all of the struggles that go along with being the parent of a special needs child. You encouraged me to not turn back to my old ways following the most devastating loss of my life. You pushed me to go back to school and fulfill the dream I have to get a college degree. You have listened to me tell stories, you have held me when I cried, and you have come with me to movies and dinners so I didn't have to be alone. Most of all, thank you for just being THERE. Those moments when you just gave me a hug or held my hand and watched my tears fall silently and we didn't speak...no advice given, no words of encouragement spoken. Those were the moments where I knew that the love you had for me and my children was truly the most selfless gift anyone could ever give.
A love letter to my one and only.....
My sweetest love,
There still are so many words unspoken that I didn't get to say. There are so many dreams we had that are unfulfilled, so many trips not taken, so many of the children's milestones that we will not get to experience together. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you or speak of you or wonder what you would think about how my life is turning out. Just the other day I was telling a new friend about our amazing love story and it reminded me of how truly blessed I was to have you be in my life for 30 of the 35 years I have been on this earth. I told the story of our first kiss at the Allentown Fair. I spoke fondly of the surprise picnic you made for me in the woods. The way through all of high school and college we were on again off again until that amazing night at dinner 12 years ago when we went to dinner and knew, from that point forward, that we would be together forever. I have explained the story of without wax and sparked jealousy from some of my girlfriends whose husbands aren't nearly that romantic.
I can only hope that you see my life as I keep going for the boys. I hope that you are happy with the amazing people that your sons are turning out to be. They are like you in so very many ways. They both have that same crinkly-eyed smile you had when they are truly happy and being their adorably silly selves. They have such amazingly kind hearts, and are so loving and giving...a trait that I know you helped to foster in them. They love you and miss you so very much, and talk about you and to you all the time. I hope you hear them and guide them as they grow into the amazing young men you always wanted them to be.
I know the last months you were here we struggled. I am so sorry that I never got to fix that struggle for you. Every day I hope that you knew how much I loved you no matter what. How no matter what we were going through I always believed that our love was so strong that we could make it through anything. I truly believe you are my soul mate, B, and in another time, in another place our souls will be reunited an the B-shaped hole that is in my soul now will finally be filled. Our love never knew any boundaries, and I am sure it will overcome this one, no matter how immense the space between us is. You were my rock, my balance. You were the dark to my light, the calm to my crazy, and the quiet to my loud. As I have always said, you saved me from myself, and I am a better person for having loved you. You will have my love always and all ways my sweet, without wax.