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Thursday, March 27, 2014

Bitter and Jaded

     I think that there are times in everyone's life where they can look back and say "Yup, that's where life broke me".  Some of us are lucky enough to experience this only once, get up, brush it off, and continue on; none the worse for wear.  I however am finding it harder and harder to get up. I swear..I think Karma has me singled out to make me her bitch.

There is just not much more this girl can take!!

   B always told me that I saw the world through rose colored glasses. I do. Or at least I did. I look for the good in everyone and everything, sometimes blind to what it is doing to me as a person until much much later.  I have become much less happy go lucky since B died. My bullshit meter is always on high alert.  I have all of these negative emotions that I never really had before.

I'm bitter about being ignored.
I'm too jaded to form new relationships because I know, inevitably, they will end, so what's the point?
I'm angry that my tragedy got lost in the shuffle.
I'm sad that no matter how many times I wish that this is all untrue, it's not.
I'm annoyed that we will never get to resolve our last argument.
I'm heartbroken that my boys will grow up without the experience of having such an amazing father.
I'm devastated that we never got to say "I love you" one last time.

Negativity is not a good head space to be in. On the flip side, super positivity never got me very far either.  Is there middle ground somewhere? A place where I can have good days and bad days and not feel bad about either one? A place where I can find that balance that B brought to me?

I sure as hell hope so.


11 comments:

  1. Life has sure dealt you a cruel blow and this is beyond sad. A huge lot to deal with on a day to day and night to night basis .. every moment in fact.
    In a way your post is bitter sweet - surprisingly those two contradictory words belong with each other.
    May there be more sweetness in your life even among the bitter; may your children value you your strength, may the middle ground appear in its sweetness from time to time..
    Garden of Eden Blog

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  2. Your words are very soothing. Thank you so much for being so kind!

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  3. Like you, I'm participating in the A/Z Challenge starting next month. I had some extra time today so I started checking out some of the blogs that signed up for it so that I could mark a few in my favorities to come and visit when the actual challenge began. One thing that has always fascinated me in my nine years of blogging is names of blogs so when I saw your title on the list of sign ups, I had an interest to check it out and have spent the last 30 minutes reading all the entries in it.

    I am so sorry for your husband's passing. I can't imagine it all yet I grew up in a household where my dad died when I was 18 months old, my parents having been only married six years and he left behind me at 18 months old, my brother at 3 years old, and my sister at 5 years old. He was 39, my mom 38 at the time, so I was raised by a young widow who never remarried.

    I am so sorry for all you have been through and all that you will continue to go through with this tragedy. I do hope you find that middle ground; I'm not sure what it is, but I do hope with time it will be found.

    betty

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    Replies
    1. It's very nice to hear your feedback as an adult of a widowed parent. We are going day by day and some days are certainly better than others.

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  4. I've heard that adversity builds character so I guess maybe you're developing a lot of it. You've been dealt a lot in your life so far, but I think things will get better for you. At least you have the A to Z Challenge to look forward to. And I'm now following your blog. We need to get you some more followers!

    Lee
    A Faraway View
    An A to Z Co-host blog

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    1. I'm definitely a character! I figure things can only get better from here, abs if I can deal with it by adding a healthy dose of sarcasm, then all the better!

      Kris

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  5. In case you didn't know, your Word Verification is on. This sometimes discourages comments so you might want to disable it at least for April.

    Lee
    A Faraway View
    An A to Z Co-host blog

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  6. Thanks Lee! I was able to take care of the word verification problem.

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  7. Popped in to say Hi after the #AZchat tonight, will be back but need some sleep first but did remember to sign up to your blog via email before I turn out the lights (late here in the UK, see ya soon!

    Mars
    Curling Stones for Lego People

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    Replies
    1. Hi! I checked out your latest stuff this morning. Thanks for the email follow, I followed you as well!

      Kris

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