I think that there are times in everyone's life where they can look back and say "Yup, that's where life broke me". Some of us are lucky enough to experience this only once, get up, brush it off, and continue on; none the worse for wear. I however am finding it harder and harder to get up. I swear..I think Karma has me singled out to make me her bitch.
There is just not much more this girl can take!!
B always told me that I saw the world through rose colored glasses. I do. Or at least I did. I look for the good in everyone and everything, sometimes blind to what it is doing to me as a person until much much later. I have become much less happy go lucky since B died. My bullshit meter is always on high alert. I have all of these negative emotions that I never really had before.
I'm bitter about being ignored.
I'm too jaded to form new relationships because I know, inevitably, they will end, so what's the point?
I'm angry that my tragedy got lost in the shuffle.
I'm sad that no matter how many times I wish that this is all untrue, it's not.
I'm annoyed that we will never get to resolve our last argument.
I'm heartbroken that my boys will grow up without the experience of having such an amazing father.
I'm devastated that we never got to say "I love you" one last time.
Negativity is not a good head space to be in. On the flip side, super positivity never got me very far either. Is there middle ground somewhere? A place where I can have good days and bad days and not feel bad about either one? A place where I can find that balance that B brought to me?
I sure as hell hope so.