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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Adventures in Widowhood

Ahhh....April 1st is here!

I would say that young widowhood has definitely been an adventure for me.  An adventure that I very unwillingly went on.  I wish I could say I never started out on this adventure, but at times I am glad that I did.  It has showed me so many things about myself that I never thought possible.

How "strong" I am.
How much I can actually do on my own.
How much stress I can actually handle.
How far I can actually be pushed before I break.
How much regret I can actually live with every single day.

It is an adventure being an unexpected single mom.  One day you wake up married with a partner who can help you with getting the kids from place to place, help with homework, go on boys-only scout outings, and by the end of that day you are handling it all by yourself.  I have become a master scheduler.  Between boy scouts, karate, baseball, after school activities, my school, therapy, and attempting to have a social life, it is a wonder I actually have time to sleep.

It is an adventure trying to move forward. Every day I am confronted with the option to move away from my life as someone's partner and go towards forging my own path.  I am doing amazing at school, which was something I never felt supported enough to do.  I am doing amazing in being able to support myself, live on a budget, saving for my someday house, and still have enough to splurge on something every once and a while if I want.  I am doing amazing at going out and meeting new people without the need of a safety net.  When I take a step back and read these words as they are written, I realize that I do really accomplish more than I give myself credit for!

It is an adventure trying not to let the "what ifs" consume me.  What if his nitro would have been readily available?  What if he never would have gotten sick?  What if we would have been together?  What if he would have spent his last day with the kids like he was supposed to?  What if we wouldn't have fought the night before?  What if I would have been more vigilant about making sure he took care of himself the way he was supposed to?  These are the questions that run around freely in my brain all the time, and so far no amount of socializing, therapy, friends or family have been able to make them stop.  As time goes on they have gone from a roar to a whisper, but they are still there.

It is with thoughts like this that I am often reminded of B's favorite quote from Peter Pan:  "To die will be an awfully big adventure."

I hope you are truly having an amazing adventure, love, wherever you are.

14 comments:

  1. Definitely an adventure no one has to be taking and I am sorry you are taking this adventure. Having said that, I do admire you for trying to move on and trying to make a life for you and your sons in something you really don't want to do alone.

    betty

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    1. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words! I'm only hoping it gets easier as time marches on!

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  2. Very courageous post. Sorry you are going through this, but it's wonderful to see how you are approaching your new life.

    Geri
    http://www.gerijeter.com

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  3. Thank you for the positive response! It is always wonderful to get feedback and see how others feel about my approach!

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  4. We never know what life has in store for us. I think you're doing yourself a favor by writing about your "adventure" and you're probably helping lots of others with their own. Thanks for sharing

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    1. I try to help and reach as many as I can. Grief is such a monster, no one likes to talk about it. I figure if I can help just one person then this is all worth it!

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  5. My heart goes out to you. My sister was the happiest she's ever been one day and a widow with a little girl the next. The reasons these losses happen are difficult to understand.

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    1. I may never know the reason, but I cherish in my heart the time we did have together. On my hardest days, I try to remember the best memories. I hope your sister does too!

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  6. Such a strong and honest post - I hope writing a blog helps to vent everything inside.
    Suzanne @Suzannes Tribe
    x

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    1. Writing has always been a hobby of mine, and this blog definitely helps me get my emotions out of my head and help me to cope. Thanks for taking the time to read!

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  7. Great first post of the challenge, although you know I hope that the reason this blog exists didn't happen!

    Well written and I hope to be seeing you a lot this month through your A to Z and beyond.

    Mars xx

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    1. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words! Although I wish it didn't happen, this blog and the people I have met through it have certainly helped me cope!

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  8. Hi there! Found you on the A to Z Blogging Challenge! Your blog title hooked me.

    I admire your ability to get up and keep going. Not easy, no doubt. I'll look forward to your posts from this day forward.

    ~ susan www.freezerburned-suddenlysusan.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Susan! Each day does present itself woth it's own unique challenges, but as with anything difficult but worth doing, I take it one day at a time!

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