Baby steps is what I have to keep telling myself. I got out of bed today! I took a shower today! I kept the kids alive today! I went out into the world today! I didn't mouth off to the first person that irritated me today! These may seem like small, ordinary things, but in my world, I might as well have climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. It is amazing what worth you give these tiny accomplishments. Remember to pack the little guy lunch every day for a week? Treated myself to a giant ice cream. Finished my to do list? Went and bought myself a new pair of shoes. Cooked (and I mean actually cooked, no take out) dinner every day for a week? Took myself out to my favorite restaurant for dinner and drinks.
These baby steps were going to help me move forward. They were going to help me to cope. I was at a crossroads and they were going to help me choose my path. Did I want to sit at home curled up in a ball ignoring my life as it progressed without me? Sure. But I couldn't. I didn't. I had my kids to think of. My family. They were why I HAD to take these baby steps forward. They had no one else to take responsibility for raising them right but me. Every choice I was going to make from here on out was going to affect them directly. That thought was so overwhelming. So I took a poll. I asked everyone I came in contact with on a regular basis what they thought I should do. Choices, choices. School? Work? Domestic goddess? While I would have most preferred to take the way of the ostrich and bury my head in the sand, the a overwhelming response to the poll was to go back to school.
Then all of the questions start floating around in my head again. What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What interests me? What is going to provide a stable life for me and my boys? Does stable necessarily mean interesting? Baby steps to the answers, I suppose.