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Saturday, August 24, 2013

Now what?

Well since feedback has been positive but requests have been for more, here goes.  Upon first starting  off on this journey, I was lost. B was my childhood sweetheart, my balance, my rock, the dark to my light, the father to my children, and now, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.  He was in a box on my windowsill. It sucked. I hid. I cried. I yelled. I formed unhealthy attachments. I tried to insert myself into other people's lives where I didn't really fit.  I ate too much. I drank too much. I stayed out too late.  Slowly but surely, I started to come out of the fog.  I realized that no one was going to help me. I had to do it myself. There was no life insurance. No education fund. No savings to speak of, as we had struggled so much before he passed and recently relocated back home to be near family. So.....what do I do?
     Starting from ground zero is really really hard. The paperwork was overwhelming. Never in one day had I had to come to terms so many times with death. Check this box for widowed. Marriage ended in death. Single, married, divorced, widowed.  Husband is deceased. So many boxes to check. So many bubbles to fill in. So many places to sign. Then it was done. I made it. I went home and hugged my kids super extra tight. Then the reality hit again like a ton of bricks. I had nothing. The apartment we had applied for we got the day after he died. There was no way I could afford it without him. My family was generous enough to transition from the kids and I visiting for the summer on vacation to semi-permanent status in their home. All of my belongings minus a suitcase each were in a 20x20 foot storage unit. What did I know how to do? Cook? Clean? Pack a mean lunch? How on earth was I going to provide for two very hungry, growing, school age boys?

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