Google+ Followers

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Backsliding

The worst part of this journey had to be the fact that it doesn't travel in a straight line. You go forwards, backwards, sideways, upside down, inside out, and around in circles.  You are working on your grief, going to therapy, dating, participating in events, going out alone to movies and dinner, then

BAM!
WHACK!
NINJA GRIEF ATTACK!!

You wake up in tears with no explanation.  You realize you haven't showered in days, the kids have been eating instant mac and cheese or chef boyardee out of a can for dinner, and you haven't written or texted or really talked to anyone.  You can't listen to the radio or watch a tv show or drive anywhere  because your anxiety is overwhelming.

Your sadness is overwhelming.
Your grief is overwhelming.

You could be one day, one week, one month, one year, one decade out and there is still backsliding.  There is always that feeling of one step forward, two steps back.  What's worse is that once the backsliding starts it is really really hard to make it stop on its own.  You try to turn to friends and family but they have already heard your complaints a million times and you don't want to burden them with any more of your stuff. You practice self care like your therapist tells you to.  Nothing seems to work.

Then the tears seem to dry up.
Your heart hardens a little.
You get in the shower.
You get out of bed and make dinner.
You take one more step forward waiting for the next inevitable backslide, hoping it will be a while.

6 comments:

  1. That would be hard; it would be easier if it was one step backward and two steps forward and the unpredictability of it would be hard too, not knowing when it is going to "spring" on you. But I do admire you that you continue to try to move forward, even though you do get set back a bit at times.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some days are definitely easier than others, but I persevere! Not knowing how each day is going to go is definitely a challenge to my control freak personality, but I'm working on it!

      Delete
  2. Thanks for such an honest post. It's not easy letting people see your down times. I'm sure your transparency is helpful to others in a similar situation to yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to keep my feelings as open an honest as possible. It is the best way to get people to understand the journey if they haven't walked it, and for those who are on the journey to let them know that they are not alone!

      Delete
  3. So true! Have been there. Everything's going pretty good and you begin to think I can handle this, I got this and then it's like a slap in the face! Wham you're back down again and it's to start over trying to come back to that place you were at!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is it exactly! Starting over and over is definitely my "new normal"!

      Delete