The worst part of this journey had to be the fact that it doesn't travel in a straight line. You go forwards, backwards, sideways, upside down, inside out, and around in circles. You are working on your grief, going to therapy, dating, participating in events, going out alone to movies and dinner, then
NINJA GRIEF ATTACK!!
You wake up in tears with no explanation. You realize you haven't showered in days, the kids have been eating instant mac and cheese or chef boyardee out of a can for dinner, and you haven't written or texted or really talked to anyone. You can't listen to the radio or watch a tv show or drive anywhere because your anxiety is overwhelming.
Your sadness is overwhelming.
Your grief is overwhelming.
You could be one day, one week, one month, one year, one decade out and there is still backsliding. There is always that feeling of one step forward, two steps back. What's worse is that once the backsliding starts it is really really hard to make it stop on its own. You try to turn to friends and family but they have already heard your complaints a million times and you don't want to burden them with any more of your stuff. You practice self care like your therapist tells you to. Nothing seems to work.
Then the tears seem to dry up.
Your heart hardens a little.
You get in the shower.
You get out of bed and make dinner.
You take one more step forward waiting for the next inevitable backslide, hoping it will be a while.