Aside from being one of my favorite songs, under pressure is a constant theme in my life. I am under pressure to be a good mom, a good daughter, a good student, a good widow, a good single person who exposes herself to the *gasp* horrors of dating, and a good friend. So far, I don't feel like I am succeeding in many of these endeavors. It's like I have to pick and choose which ones I want to be at certain times, not because I want to, but because I have to. The stress of trying to keep up appearances for everyone is going to drive me crazy. The problem lies in which ones do I pick?
If I strive to be a good student, the good mom in me suffers.
If I strive to be a good mom, the good daughter suffers.
If I strive to be a good widow, everything suffers.
If I try to be a good single gal, the good mom, good student, and good daughter all suffer.
If I try to be a good friend, the good student and good single girl suffer.
Sometimes, pressures are good. The pressure to be a good student is keeping my GPA at a 4.0. I am well liked by my professors, I have been invited to participate in the honors program, and am on track to graduate with my first degree by this time next year. The pressure to do so well has me so motivated that all I want to do is continue to go to school and continue to excel. It is the perfectionist in me that keeps reaching and reaching for the starts. I loathe the day that will come when I do something in school less than perfect. People seem to think it will break me. I think it just gives me more motivation to add positive pressure to my life. Only, at what expense?
For example...today, my youngest asked me to play baseball outside when we got home from school. I had to tell him no because I have finals to study for, papers to write, and housework to finish. The crestfallen look on his little face just about broke me into a million pieces. I was lucky today and his big brother stepped in to help me out with him, but I hate having to rely on him to take up the slack on things that I just can't all manage to squeeze in to a 24 hour days. Henceforth the good student vs. good mom pressure.
I know my paper could probably wait an hour or so. My blog could wait. The laundry could pile up. No one would think the worse of me, but I would. I would obsess about all of the things that I should be doing. Maybe I have my priorities a little skewed? Could be, but if I don't excel and provide these boys with the best life that I can, no one else is going to do it for me.
All of those hopes got buried in a box in the dirt along with B's ashes.