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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Yes-woman

     I used to think that the word "no" did not exist in my vocabulary.  Whether I wanted to do something for someone or not, I would do it anyway.  I hated confrontation, I hated letting people down, I hated not being able to do something.  Even if there was a conflict of interest, I would find a way.  I never turned down an invitation or request for anything.  This went especially true for my relationship.  I did anything B ever asked me to do.  If he wanted something, I did everything in my power to do it for him.
     Then I lost him and that yes-woman, no boundaries thing got exploited.  People would come out of the woodwork to take advantage of me.  It was like I had a "please try and use me for something" sign tattooed on my forehead.  I have always been a good person and have tried to see the good in everyone, but people who try and take advantage of the grieving are just despicable.  As I broke out of the fog, it became evident that my yes-woman attitude towards life was going to have to go and I was going to have to learn how to form some sort of boundaries in my life.
   
Yes, I will help you move, but no, I will not pay for it.
Yes, I need to buy a new car, but no, I will not have a $500 per month payment.
Yes, we can go out on a date, but no, I will not sleep with you because you think that I am desperate.
Yes, I know I need help with that, but no, you may not do it for me, you may teach me how.
Yes, I did go to that event alone, but no, I don't need a partner to make me feel complete.

     I still have a little of that yes-woman thing in me, especially when it comes to the kids.  I think I overcompensate for their lack of another parent, so even if it drives me bonkers and I will have not slept for like a week, I will make sure that they have everything that they need.  I do say no to things that are particularly extraneous, but they get a lot more leeway than anyone else in my life right now. It actually surprised me at how easy it was to say no once I go some practice at it.

No, you cannot "borrow" money.
No, you cannot call me your girlfriend after 2 dates and some online conversation.
No, you cannot treat me like that and expect me to still be talking to you tomorrow.
No, I will not make a 2 hour round trip for a 10 minute visit.
No, I can't do that for you, I have school/finals/kids/life of my own that I have to take care of.

     I like this new no-woman, but I hope that I can keep it in check.  Sometimes my boundaries need boundaries.


7 comments:

  1. One thing that has helped me in the "no" department is the very true statement:

    No is a complete sentence. No explanation necessary. No is no. No, I won't spend one more word than necessary to explain why I am saying. No, no, no.

    :-) GREAT POST!

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    1. That statement is awesome, Susan! I think I am going to make it my new mantra!

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    2. I hope you'll try it and come back to write about it. It takes practice. So here's some tips for saying NO in a kind way:
      No, but thank you for asking.
      No, I can't commit to that right now. Let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you.
      No, I'm not interested.

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  2. Definnitely good you have defined boundaries and are learning to say no and being comfortable saying no.

    betty

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    1. Thanks!! It is definitely a work in progress! I still feel bad when I do it, but it is getting easier.

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  3. Saying no is something that has to be learned....especially as a mom. Just remember this...when you say no, you give the opportunity for someone else to say yes :)
    ~Katie

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    1. I never thought about it that way....It is hard for me to say no, because I am a people pleaser, but I am trying hard. Every time I do it, to gets a little easier!

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