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Wednesday, April 30, 2014


     Sometimes, when the depression over the loss of B gets particularly bad, the obsession over the what-ifs start.  There are always left over questions that you have when a loved one passes away, and it is the unanswered echoes of the what-ifs that can keep me awake at night.  I have wondered on countless sleepless nights if there was anything that I could have done differently.  The last months, days, and hours replay over and over.  I scan my memories for some clue that it was coming, if there was something that I could have prevented, something that I could have done that would have changed the course and kept him here with me.

What if I would have made sure he took his medicine every day?
What if I had INSISTED that he quit smoking?
What if I made sure he went to every doctor appointment, even if I had to drive him there myself?
What if I would have made his lunch every day so that he ate healthier?
What if I wouldn't have pushed him so hard to work so hard and to be a good provider?
What if I would have been there?
What if we would have not fought the day before?
What if I would have insisted on a second opinion when the doctor wouldn't perform a bypass?
What if I was the reason?

     I know that no amount of what-ifs will bring him back and the endless wondering will someday drive me nuts, but sometimes, I just can't help it.  There is a tremendous amount of guilt that I subscribe to because there were so many factors that were so seemingly preventable.  There are feelings of failing him as a lover, as a friend, as a soulmate, and as his family.  I should have been keeping a better eye out for him, as I know he would have done for the kids and I.  What will I say when the kids get a little older and start asking specifics?  How will I explain to them that yes, it could have been prevented, but it wasn't?
Could have been.
Should have been.
Would have been.

What if life had a rewind button?


  1. I think when the kids get older and they ask, I think obviously of course you will tell them the truth, yes it could be prevented, but your husband ultimately had the full responsibility of taking care of his body and if he was doing things that were not what the doctors recommended, I don't think you should feel too guilty about it. Its kind of like my son, he does crazy things that gets himself into trouble, he's an adult. I've learned not to feel guilty, wondering if it was something I did wrong raising him, but have come to realize he's perfectly capable of knowing right from wrong, he just chooses wrong sometimes. Your husband, for whatever reason, chose not to stop smoking or not to take his medicine. I type medical reports for a living; I see a lot of people who have had strokes or diagnosed with lung cancer or heart attacks, give up smoking after that event. Some do, some don't.

    I hope you can get to some point where the what ifs aren't as often and don't feel you with too much guilt and sleepless nights.


    1. The what ifs come in waves. When I am grieving hardcore, it makes it harder to push them out of my head. I know he was a grin man, but sometimes I just wonder if it was the not loving him enough or pushing him enough that contributed to it. That guilt is hard to shake!