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Monday, April 14, 2014

Letter to my lost love

My sweetest love,
     I miss you.  I have been thinking about you a lot lately...every song on the radio has a meaning, every time I get in the car and drive past somewhere where we went together I get flashes of happy memories, and my eyes well up with tears. My heart feels like it is breaking every. single. day.  There are so many things going on I'm my life that I want to be able to talk to you about.  School is going awesome and I should graduate next spring.  I wish you were here to guide me on my next steps.  I don't know where to go next, what to specialize in...my mind is going in a million different directions and you were always the one who could help me break it down and decide.  We could have conversations that were never one sided..you never told me what to do, but helped me to make a decision that was best for me. For us. For the family.
     We just passed a year and a half that you've been gone.  I'm no closer to filling the B shaped hole in my heart than I was in the minutes after you passed.  I still get asked how we met and when I relay the roundabout way we wound up together, everyone agrees with me that we had an amazingly great love.  I feel blessed every single second of every single day that we got the time that we did have.  I know that our souls are meant to be together, and one day, they will be.  You're never far away from me...I sometimes hear your laugh when I do something silly or see your mischievous smile on the faces of the boys.
     By the end of the summer I should be in my very own place with the boys.  They are excited about it.  Especially Derek.  You would be so proud of him and the man he is becoming.  We are still having a little bit of trouble with school, but I went all mama bear on some administrators today, so that should get fixed right away.  He just started baseball, and has been practicing so hard.  His coaches are great, and are encouraging him to practice switch hitting.  The kids are encouraging, and his self confidence is improving with every practice.  I wish you were here to help teach him mechanics...I am doing my best, but I don't really think it is the same.  I see the look on his face when he sees the other kids playing catch with their dads, and I wish I could fix that hurt for him.  He doesn't really talk about it, but I know it gets to him.  He is already signed up for summer camp with scouts, and is signing up for Y camp for two weeks as well.  He was talking about going to art camp also...he really has his heart set on keeping himself busy this summer.  He talks about you fondly, and often.  Now his questions are more along the lines of what you liked and if he likes the same things that you liked.  What position you played when you played baseball. What position you played when you played football. What kind of video games you liked to play. What you liked to draw, what your favorite food was, what you were like when you were his age...the questions are fun to answer, yet heart wrenching.
     Logan is becoming quite challenging.  He is 100% boy...filthy and busy and mischievous and loud.    He is doing great in school!  The other day he decided he was going to color you a picture and he wrote his name on it...I keep it with my school stuff and when we come and visit your place, I was going to send it up for you.  Logan dreams about you ALL THE TIME.  He will wake up and run into  my room and tell me all about how he was flying with you and you said hi and that you loved him and you took a rocket ship up to the sky together.  And that you tell him to tell Derek and I that you love us.  I know he won't remember these dreams, but I know that right now, they mean the world to him.  He goes through all of our pictures from the wedding telling me how beautiful I am and points you out in every single picture.  Every picture we have of you around the house he points you out by name in.  I wish you would have had more time to be able to spend with him...he is turning in to quite the amazing little man. He is so excited about being old enough to play sports this year! He is going to miss baseball because of vacation but is already talking about soccer and football. I sure as heck hope I can keep up.  His energy is super taxing, but also contagious.  It breaks my heart knowing that you are not here to be able to experience all of his milestones with me.
     You were such a big part of our lives and now even though it might not look like it from the outside, it affects us.  It affects the way we all socialize, the way all function together as a family unit,  the way we interact with other families.  I try to talk to other complete families, but it doesn't work.  I get shy, and I hate explaining and apologizing for our situation.  I won't go to parties where there will be mostly couples or couples with their kids.  I try to keep my head up during mother's day and father's day, but my heart just isn't in it any more.  My world just isn't as bright without you in it.  My dreams have lost their luster, my sun has lost it's shine, my rose-colored glasses are a little less rosy.  You were my perfect balance; the dark to my light, the quiet to my loud, and the calm to my crazy. I'm a better person for you having loved me, and the mark you made on my heart will last forever.

I love you always and all ways, my sweet; without wax.

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your pain. Sort of been there (I was "lucky" and he got to raise our kids) and am doing that. You might like my other blog, which apparently I haven't named yet :-) It's supposed to be Follow The Rainbow, it's here: http://nitabeshear.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/painting-a-brighter-future/ I didn't use it for the A to Z blog, because I never got around to registering it. Hope today is a good day for you and the kids. Blessings.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! It is always nice to hear from others who are or have been in my place and how far they have come!

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  2. Maybe one day when the kids are older, you might want to share this letter with them; since your pride for them and their achievements and your love for them are so evident; they sound like wonderful kids.

    betty

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    1. I think sharing this with them is an excellent idea! It will give them a glimpse of where we were and (hopefully) how far we will have gotten! They are definitely good kids. Crazy and challenging and fun and exhausting, but great kids!

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