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Monday, April 21, 2014

Overthinking

     Part of the reason that I think I feel so alone is that I overthink every little thing.  I text someone and they don't text me back right away, I think that they must be mad at me.  I perceive attitude from everyone, even if it doesn't exist.  I try and try to be a good person, but always think that if people are nice to me then they must have ulterior motives.  It's like I want to get close to people, yet push them away.  I overthink motives, statements, attitudes, delays in response, everything.  It sucks.  I live in this constant state of worry over what other people think.

Do they like me?
Are they blowing me off because I am annoying with my grief?
Why am I there for everyone and no one is there for me?
Are they mad at me?
Why can they say no to me, but when I say no, everyone gets mad?

     I know that these are mostly irrational thoughts and that more often than not, they don't apply, but sometimes I can't help it.  There are only so many times that you can be turned down for plans, or blown off, or not answered before you start to take things personally.  I can be a sensitive girl, even though I may not seem like it all the time.  I might be sarcastic and witty (or at least I think I am) but it is totally a defense mechanism so that you can't see what a mess I really am.
     There's this weird thing that happens when you lose your life partner.  You absolutely CRAVE adult human interaction.  Think about it...how many of you take for granted that you have someone to go home to or that comes home to you at night?  That knows when you've had a bad day and will do something special for you just because? Have someone that will comfort you when you are sick or emotional?  Watch the kids for you for the night so you can go out and do something for you without feeling guilty?  Us widdas don't have that.  So when you are hanging out with someone on the reg and  then....

BAM!!

Late or no returned phone calls, constantly turned down for plans (for whatever reasons, real or made up), we (or at least I) have a tendency to take it to a very weird, overthought place.  So if we (or I) get clingy, standoffish, or just downright bitchy, please excuse me.  My brain has completely gone into overdrive and until I learn how to reign it in I am in for one hell of a ride.

5 comments:

  1. We're here! We're not going away anytime soon. Keep writing!!

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  2. One suggestion I have for your blog ... if you are open to it ... ask a question at the end of your blog. Today, you might have asked: Have you ever felt this way? I'll bet you'll get some interaction! love, susan

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    1. I took your advice....now to see if it works! Thanks so much for the suggestion!

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  3. I get what you are saying because I can over think situations too, if someone doesn't say hi to me, was it because something I did, rather than maybe they were so wrapped up in something themselves, they didn't see me, etc., but I understand in your situation it could go down a whole separate road dealing with your vulnerability being a widow. I wonder if people knew that it could affect you if they changed plans, if they would be more considerate in not changing them unless an absolute emergency, know what I mean?

    betty

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  4. I wish people were mind readers sometimes. The reason I say that is because I am so non confrontational or exactly open and honest in letting people know when they hurt me. I kind of keep it inside and will not let them know if it bothers me that they change plans. I guess I don't want to come off as desperate and needy. Thanks for giving me an idea of what to work on, though!

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