Part of the reason that I think I feel so alone is that I overthink every little thing. I text someone and they don't text me back right away, I think that they must be mad at me. I perceive attitude from everyone, even if it doesn't exist. I try and try to be a good person, but always think that if people are nice to me then they must have ulterior motives. It's like I want to get close to people, yet push them away. I overthink motives, statements, attitudes, delays in response, everything. It sucks. I live in this constant state of worry over what other people think.
Do they like me?
Are they blowing me off because I am annoying with my grief?
Why am I there for everyone and no one is there for me?
Are they mad at me?
Why can they say no to me, but when I say no, everyone gets mad?
I know that these are mostly irrational thoughts and that more often than not, they don't apply, but sometimes I can't help it. There are only so many times that you can be turned down for plans, or blown off, or not answered before you start to take things personally. I can be a sensitive girl, even though I may not seem like it all the time. I might be sarcastic and witty (or at least I think I am) but it is totally a defense mechanism so that you can't see what a mess I really am.
There's this weird thing that happens when you lose your life partner. You absolutely CRAVE adult human interaction. Think about it...how many of you take for granted that you have someone to go home to or that comes home to you at night? That knows when you've had a bad day and will do something special for you just because? Have someone that will comfort you when you are sick or emotional? Watch the kids for you for the night so you can go out and do something for you without feeling guilty? Us widdas don't have that. So when you are hanging out with someone on the reg and then....
Late or no returned phone calls, constantly turned down for plans (for whatever reasons, real or made up), we (or at least I) have a tendency to take it to a very weird, overthought place. So if we (or I) get clingy, standoffish, or just downright bitchy, please excuse me. My brain has completely gone into overdrive and until I learn how to reign it in I am in for one hell of a ride.