I used to think that the word "no" did not exist in my vocabulary. Whether I wanted to do something for someone or not, I would do it anyway. I hated confrontation, I hated letting people down, I hated not being able to do something. Even if there was a conflict of interest, I would find a way. I never turned down an invitation or request for anything. This went especially true for my relationship. I did anything B ever asked me to do. If he wanted something, I did everything in my power to do it for him.
Then I lost him and that yes-woman, no boundaries thing got exploited. People would come out of the woodwork to take advantage of me. It was like I had a "please try and use me for something" sign tattooed on my forehead. I have always been a good person and have tried to see the good in everyone, but people who try and take advantage of the grieving are just despicable. As I broke out of the fog, it became evident that my yes-woman attitude towards life was going to have to go and I was going to have to learn how to form some sort of boundaries in my life.
Yes, I will help you move, but no, I will not pay for it.
Yes, I need to buy a new car, but no, I will not have a $500 per month payment.
Yes, we can go out on a date, but no, I will not sleep with you because you think that I am desperate.
Yes, I know I need help with that, but no, you may not do it for me, you may teach me how.
Yes, I did go to that event alone, but no, I don't need a partner to make me feel complete.
I still have a little of that yes-woman thing in me, especially when it comes to the kids. I think I overcompensate for their lack of another parent, so even if it drives me bonkers and I will have not slept for like a week, I will make sure that they have everything that they need. I do say no to things that are particularly extraneous, but they get a lot more leeway than anyone else in my life right now. It actually surprised me at how easy it was to say no once I go some practice at it.
No, you cannot "borrow" money.
No, you cannot call me your girlfriend after 2 dates and some online conversation.
No, you cannot treat me like that and expect me to still be talking to you tomorrow.
No, I will not make a 2 hour round trip for a 10 minute visit.
No, I can't do that for you, I have school/finals/kids/life of my own that I have to take care of.
I like this new no-woman, but I hope that I can keep it in check. Sometimes my boundaries need boundaries.
One thing that has helped me in the "no" department is the very true statement:
ReplyDeleteNo is a complete sentence. No explanation necessary. No is no. No, I won't spend one more word than necessary to explain why I am saying. No, no, no.
:-) GREAT POST!
That statement is awesome, Susan! I think I am going to make it my new mantra!
DeleteI hope you'll try it and come back to write about it. It takes practice. So here's some tips for saying NO in a kind way:
DeleteNo, but thank you for asking.
No, I can't commit to that right now. Let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you.
No, I'm not interested.
Definnitely good you have defined boundaries and are learning to say no and being comfortable saying no.
ReplyDeletebetty
Thanks!! It is definitely a work in progress! I still feel bad when I do it, but it is getting easier.
DeleteSaying no is something that has to be learned....especially as a mom. Just remember this...when you say no, you give the opportunity for someone else to say yes :)
ReplyDelete~Katie
I never thought about it that way....It is hard for me to say no, because I am a people pleaser, but I am trying hard. Every time I do it, to gets a little easier!
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